I’ve stood up to many of my fears, really not until more recently in my life, starting with taking my first flight in 2017.
When Curt and I lived at Yellowhead fulltime, there was a period of time where I was staying there alone while Curt was on shift (up the mountain for 8 days at a time).
I worked five of those days and on my days off I’d sometimes stroll into Jasper for a few hours. Curt and I always had our nightly call through his satellite phone. It was probably my saving grace to be honest. I’d always return home and follow the same routine: once the sun went down, I’d get the bed ready, get a headlamp on or bring a candle to the bedroom. I would then take Curts kitchen chair and place it against the door after locking it, while saying a prayer for protection. I always asked him to be there with me. Then I’d blow out the candles, close the curtains and head to sleep.
I didn’t have a knife at the time. I didn’t have a gun. I only ever had one visitor who knocked on the door after nine in the evening and I nearly pissed myself in fear. I gathered all the Braves I had and headed to the door looking as big and mean and rigid as I could. This man reluctantly approached the door and politely asked if I knew where he could turn his trailer around. I directed him and he was on his way. I was on edge for some time but ultimately felt safe and did not feel any malicious intentions from that encounter. I mean, that man could have easily been just as hesitant to approach the door… being a little cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere, after all…
It took me over a year (this was the summer of 2019) to acknowledge how brave (though a bit senseless I might add) I was for doing that. For being completely vulnerable off-grid in the wilderness. I had the truck, and sometimes I carried a SPOT device to communicate, but more often times that was not the case. Looking back I would have prepared myself with a weapon, not only for the potential of intruders but realistically for critters. Big guys. You know those big puppies? In the summer of 2019 we spotted several bears in our yard and many others within walking distance – one of which was not concerned by the sounds we made to scare him… but did take off once we threw a shoe and he caught wind of our human stink. So, to preserve my own life, probably best to have some sort of protection. Lesson learned and thankfully, no harm done.
The thing is that until now I never gave myself the credit I deserved. Being alone used to terrify me, especially in situations of being alone in the wild. It was something I deeply desired but at the same time did not fully trust myself to know what to do or how to fill in all that time. I am so proud of myself for living so fully, intentionally, and sure. Curt helped me gain the needed confidence to finally face these fears that carried far too much weight and control over me.
Last year, during the summer months we stayed in an older home at the base of the mountain and I happened to spend some time alone there, too. This was an especially special place for one special and specific reason: the living room had a front view of Mount Robson through the trees. When Curt was at work, I’d look up at the sun rising on the peaks and I would always wish him Good morning. I did the same with the sun setting every evening, too. “Goodnight, my love. Can’t wait for you to be home.” This was a beautiful feeling, and reminder whenever I felt lonely. I will admit, being at Yellowhead was a touch more challenging simply for not having that visual… and the closeness, I imagine.
I always miss being at Yellowhead, of course; and I aspire to make that kind of sacred space on my own home land. And I can’t wait to spend days alone there, too.
Being Brave to me over the recent years of my life have been facing my fears, through and through. I don’t think there are limits to what our bravery means for us. What makes you feel brave? Is it climbing a mountain? Fighting fires? Is it calling your mom? Being brave can look like taking the first steps out of bed for some. It has for me at times. What’s to celebrate is that we find it within ourselves to be brave and face our fears, to will ourselves into action – because we recognize and acknowledge our desire for growth, and we entirely deserve this in our living experience. We are meant to experience growth as human beings, spiritual evolution, ascension if you will. We are meant to raise our frequency, to choose a timeline based on love, compassion, empathy, and respect. Being brave right now can look like choosing that timeline amidst the chaos you may see throughout the collective, and even within your own life. You Are Brave, do not doubt or undermine your ability to face your fears, take risks, stand up for yourself, stand up for others, and what you know in your heart to be true.