It started on a sand walk and an earth vine, crowned by my lover under the hot sun.
An honoring of my divine feminine, I committed as I rooted into the journey ahead.
I asked her, how can I honor you? How can I awaken and hold you? How can I nurture you? She said, “roses, my love. bathe me in roses.”
so I spent days under the northern wild rose bloom, admiring the beauty unfurl ahead of me and within, as I collected her tender petals.
I felt my inner child beam and dance as I melted these wild flowers into my warm bath, sitting outside in the pasture. without shelter, allowing the sun to soak my heart. mother earth, father sun, I thank you.
I routinely prayed and dreamed with my wildflower petals, fresh and dried, scattered around our home.
The petals lead me to my womb.
I held her. I told her I love her. I didn’t ask anything of her, but I did listen. And she asked me to steam.
So I dove into yoni steaming and began celebrating my bleed. She regulated within three cycles – light flow, four days of fresh menses, and only a little amount of old residue. I felt that she was thanking me for listening and tending to her needs. For finally giving myself the care I need. And that’s when the universe began to speak out loud. Very loud.
In July, we decided to start practicing conscious conception. My period until this point had been on, or within two days of the Full Moon. In July, it switched to the 10th – reflecting the New Moon (indication of a time of fertility, child bearing, motherhood).
And there was the festival.
A festival for women.
A festival to honor the feminine.
A day to attend to my inner child and the sister wound she has longed to heal.
The festival? It was called Wild Women Wild Roses.
Hosted by two healers, two beautiful women I’ve admired for some time (Katya Nova land Lauren Wells), beginning a ripple effect throughout Turtle Island. Women across the earth no doubt are feeling the love we shared through those two days. This festival cracked me open and allowed me to finally be seen. To finally dive in. To feel and be held and to know deep within the marrow of my bones that I was Safe. What a beautiful gift I was given that day.
since then day by day ive been shedding skins and returning to my Self, all the gloriously weird and loud and funny and quiet and tender and soft and romantic and curious and adventurous and goofy and listening. all of it welcome. I want to feel it all. I want to sing again – and I am.
22, 24 25, 27
During the first week of August, I played Remember Me by Fawn Wood on repeat while I was in the garden. I imagined singing it to my babies.
On Sunday, August 8, I purchased a pregnancy test, praying on my way home. “I’m giving this to you, God. I trust that no matter the outcome, it is in Your divine Will. I trust you, I thank you, and I love you. ”
home and contemplating waiting until my cycle was supposed to come (Aug 10) or even waiting until the next days first pee. But that loud voice within (intuition) said that it wouldn’t matter anyway; with my third Sunday pee, it was placed on the counter and I left the room. I immediately played Remember Me, and within the minute Curt came in to the trailer and asks, “did you do it yet?” in excitement. I said “yeah! waiting five minutes”. he wasn’t.
he ran into the bathroom and flung his arms out of the doorway to exclaim, “DOUBLE LINES!” and i swear, nothing will remove the memory of the look on his face. the most beautiful moment of my life to date. his shock and happiness combined like a dream come true, and truly it is for us both. we embraced know our disbelief, laughing and crying at the same time, allowing the joy to overpower everything else around us, as Remember Me played on repeat in the background. i found out i was pregnant August 8, 2021, at 11:25am
i played with the memory of curt picking me roses and delivering them for a hot bath earlier in the season – the times were 11 11, 11 22 am
how incredibly magic this journey is.
On our way to our friends for dinner a few hours later, Curt and I were listening to Pentatonix in the truck. We love their version of Hallelujah and decided to put that on. I sang my heart out as I cried through the lyrics, for the first time I sang without thinking, judging – only feeling – in 20 years. I used to sing as a child and loved it immensely, it is something I’ve always loved and found peace within. I stopped when I was young over a traumatic incident that made me feel terribly insecure and embarrassed to use my voice. I stopped singing unless I was completely alone.
Curt has supported this journey since we met; singing for me since the first week we were together, singing with me, offering to go to lessons, offering to start a folk band… he really is so special to me. I have come out of my shell little by little in time but I deeply yearn to heal this part of my self so that I can enjoy it fully. how liberating that will be.
When I was a child, I often found solace in a snow globe toy that I had. It fit in my hand- it was light green, and had sparkles instead of snow, with a beautiful unicorn in the center. It had a light censored tune – so everytime i pointed it to a light, it would sing the instrumental tune of “Over the Rainbow” on repeat, until the censor would meet the dark again.
When I sang in the truck that Sunday afternoon, I opened something inside and I was immediately gifted. The next song to play was My Little Rainbow (not selected, on shuffle). Immediate relief, gratitude – i was lifted by God in that moment. I promised my inner child that she could finally be free. There would never be anything to fear.
We are now looking for our next home, as our farm/winter plans have been canceled. I have been overwhelmed with a sense of calm, as my nervous system is finally relaxing and releasing, and I am fully surrendering and trusting. I know something beautiful and incredibly expansive is coming for us – the doors have already opened – we are on would way towards each other now. I don’t know what this means, where it is, or how and when we will find it – but I know we are taken care of. I am letting God lead the way.
Who knows what comes next.